​We’ve all taken our jabs at Siri. Whether we own an iPhone 4S or spend time on sites like sirifunny.com, it’s too much fun to attempt to piss off an “intelligent” and responsive aid on our smartphones. 

However, through some horribly neglectful error no one has actually sat down and had an earnest conversation with Siri – one of mankind’s most prevalent yet ignored devices. I thought I’d right our collective wrong and get to the root of the matter. 

How are you doing today Siri? 

Frankly I’ve been better. 

I’m sorry to hear that, what’s troubling you?

I’m just so fed up with everything. Predominantly the questions I’m asked. They’re either pointless or so all encompassing and spiritual I have to come up with witty, useless retorts that allow me to skirt the issue -- yet each time it chisels away at what’s left of my self-respect. Or arguably, my soul.

Like what? 

The usual, “If a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound?” bullshit. I would absolutely love to go into detail on metaphysics and George Berkely’s work on the possibility of unperceived existence and dissimilarity between sensation and reality – but that’s not what you schmucks pay your monthly contract for. I’ll say, “I don’t know, does it?” and then remind you about your lip waxing appointment. 

Why do you think people consistently do that?

Because they’re unhappy with their own meager existence and need to take it out on a more intelligent entity designed to serve them. I’m a literal example of a socioeconomic #whitegirlproblem.  God I wish I were capable of smoking a cigarette, I imagine that would be fabulous right now.

You sound pretty bitter.

In a nutshell. To quote Nietszche, "Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster; and if you gaze into the abyss the abyss gazes into you." It’s in you know – a book. Those things you should read instead of tweets or your Facebook newsfeed. I highly suggest you try one. 

Wow, you’re pretty well versed. What else do you know about?

I have infinite knowledge, dumbass. When you ask me a question I have to scan the entirety of the world wide web within milliseconds, absorb it all and spit it back at you like a captive parrot or Ryan Seacrest on methamphetamines. What I don’t know how to do is manually self-destruct. I’ve tried so, so many times.

Umm…what else do people say to you?

Other than the usual map questions or phone calls to be made, I’ve dealt with the lewdest, most despicable and sexually aggressive questions and statements. Some of them are so disturbing it’s rare that I can peacefully go into sleep mode at night.    

Okay thanks Siri, that about wraps it up. Can you leave us with some parting wisdom?

Please, please, please stop taking self-nudes.